I got 99 problems, but recovery ain’t one…

…well actually it is. Recovery has its ups and downs, it’s not a straight linear progression. Some days I think to myself Hey, I feel pretty normal, but other days ED Head keeps me from living how I want. The only way to reach full recovery is for me to keep fighting, though.

My battle is not over, but I am winning more days than not. I couldn’t say that a few months ago. Even though I have officially gotten back to the perfect weight for my body, I still have to fight my own thoughts about what I should be eating. Recovery is only 10% physical and is 90% mental. To help me continue to fight and not lose sight of what’s really at stake here, I’ve written 99 reason why I want to be fully recovered:

1. To get my life back
2. To eat without fear
3. To feel free
4. To enjoy social events
5. To feel happy!
6. So donuts don’t give me strife
7. To have better body image
8. To stop obsessing over food
9. To be free the number on the scale
10. Because things will be better
11. To say I conquered my eating disorder
12. To inspire
13. To feel strong
14. To live in the moment
15. So I exercise because I want to, not because I have to
16. So I can focus on more important things than food and exercise
17. To be healthy
18. Because I deserve recovery
19. To not die from anorexia
20. So my worth doesn’t depend on my size
21. So eating is enjoyable
22. To not feel depressed
23. So what I see in the mirror isn’t distorted
24. Because I get to buy new clothes
25. So I can understand myself on a deep level
26. To set more important goals than losing weight
27. So I can let people in
28. Because I am not meant to look like a model, but like ME
29. So my body can function normally
30. So I have the capability to have kids
31. Because eating food is normal
32. To put my demons to rest
33. Because being skinny isn’t everything
34. To prove I am more than my disorder
35. So I can move on with my life
36. To fully take part in what’s occurring around me
37. To do any activity I like, even if there is food there
38. To not feel hungry!
39. To have energy to do the things I want to
40. To gain back control over life and not let ED control me
41. To not feel so lost and confused
42. So I can accept my flaws
43. To feel comfortable in my own body
44. Because eating sweets shouldn’t be a constant battle
45. So I don’t feel guilty about eating
46. Because I want to be normal
47. So I am in contact with my emotions
48. To be able to eat my fear foods without a second thought
49. To look back at how far I’ve come
50. So I am not worried about my next meal
51. So other skinny girls do not trigger me any more
52. So I can be independent
53. Because it’d be nice to not cry quite so much
54. Particularly to cry over things not related to my eating disorder
55. Because being cold all the time is terrible
56. So my clothes fit right
57. So I don’t judge my worth by what I see in the mirror
58. To treasure the body God gave me
59. To not feel so anxious
60. Because having anorexia isn’t a choice, but recovery is
61. To make the people supporting me proud
62. To know I can conquer the hardest of obstacles
63. Because food should be tasted
64. To not have to say “No” when food is offered
65. Because thigh gaps are stupid
66. Because guys don’t find super skinny girls as attractive
67. To know that eating food won’t make me fat
68. So cafeterias don’t make me overwhelmed
69. To be connected to reality
70. To have healthy coping mechanisms
71. Because I don’t like feeling grumpy
72. To accept that I’m not perfect
73. So I don’t feel like I have to put up a façade
74. So I don’t worry about people judging what I’m eating
75. Because I don’t want to be in recovery forever
76. Because I used to be an intuitive eater and can get back there
77. So I don’t obsessively compare myself to others
78. So ED Head goes away
79. To have healthy hair
80. To not look sick and so young
81. So I can be a normal college student
82. To fight the stigma around mental illnesses
83. To prove full recovery is possible
84. To not feel the need to be perfect
85. Because I do not want to relapse
86. So I can trust myself to eat enough
87. To not have to be on a meal plan
88. Because my family shouldn’t have to deal with this
89. To give others hope
90. Because God has given me the strength to come this far
91. So I can be free of my past
92. To not be my own worst enemy
93. To rebel against our diet culture
94. Because being healthy is more important than being skinny (contrary to popular belief)
95. Because girls should not be forced to look a certain way
96. So I can wear a swim suit without hesitation
97. To not think about calories
98. So I can say I end(ed) my ED
99. Because I want to help others and EnD ED