I got 99 problems, but recovery ain’t one…

…well actually it is. Recovery has its ups and downs, it’s not a straight linear progression. Some days I think to myself Hey, I feel pretty normal, but other days ED Head keeps me from living how I want. The only way to reach full recovery is for me to keep fighting, though.

recovery expecations vs. reality
via Pinterest

My battle is not over, but I am winning more days than not. I couldn’t say that a few months ago. Even though I have officially gotten back to the perfect weight for my body, I still have to fight my own thoughts about what I should be eating. Recovery is only 10% physical and is 90% mental. To help me continue to fight and not lose sight of what’s really at stake here, I’ve written 99 reason why I want to be fully recovered:

  1. To get my life back
  2. To eat without fear
  3. To feel free
  4. To enjoy social events
  5. To feel happy!
  6. So donuts don’t give me strife
  7. To have better body image
  8. To stop obsessing over food
  9. To be free the number on the scale
  10. Because things will be better
  11. To say I conquered my eating disorder
  12. To inspire
  13. To feel strong
  14. To live in the moment
  15. So I exercise because I want to, not because I have to
  16. So I can focus on more important things than food and exercise
  17. To be healthy
  18. Because I deserve recovery
  19. To not die from anorexia
  20. So my worth doesn’t depend on my size
  21. So eating is enjoyable
  22. To not feel depressed
  23. So what I see in the mirror isn’t distorted
  24. Because I get to buy new clothes
  25. So I can understand myself on a deep level
  26. To set more important goals than losing weight
  27. So I can let people in
  28. Because I am not meant to look like a model, but like ME
  29. So my body can function normally
  30. So I have the capability to have kids
  31. Because eating food is normal
  32. To put my demons to rest
  33. Because being skinny isn’t everything
  34. To prove I am more than my disorder
  35. So I can move on with my life
  36. To fully take part in what’s occurring around me
  37. To do any activity I like, even if there is food there
  38. To not feel hungry!
  39. To have energy to do the things I want to
  40. To gain back control over life and not let ED control me
  41. To not feel so lost and confused
  42. So I can accept my flaws
  43. To feel comfortable in my own body
  44. Because eating sweets shouldn’t be a constant battle
  45. So I don’t feel guilty about eating
  46. Because I want to be normal
  47. So I am in contact with my emotions
  48. To be able to eat my fear foods without a second thought
  49. To look back at how far I’ve come
  50. So I am not worried about my next meal
  51. So other skinny girls do not trigger me any more
  52. So I can be independent
  53. Because it’d be nice to not cry quite so much
  54. Particularly to cry over things not related to my eating disorder
  55. Because being cold all the time is terrible
  56. So my clothes fit right
  57. So I don’t judge my worth by what I see in the mirror
  58. To treasure the body God gave me
  59. To not feel so anxious
  60. Because having anorexia isn’t a choice, but recovery is
  61. To make the people supporting me proud
  62. To know I can conquer the hardest of obstacles
  63. Because food should be tasted
  64. To not have to say “No” when food is offered
  65. Because thigh gaps are stupid
  66. Because guys don’t find super skinny girls as attractive
  67. To know that eating food won’t make me fat
  68. So cafeterias don’t make me overwhelmed
  69. To be connected to reality
  70. To have healthy coping mechanisms
  71. Because I don’t like feeling grumpy
  72. To accept that I’m not perfect
  73. So I don’t feel like I have to put up a façade
  74. So I don’t worry about people judging what I’m eating
  75. Because I don’t want to be in recovery forever
  76. Because I used to be an intuitive eater and can get back there
  77. So I don’t obsessively compare myself to others
  78. So ED Head goes away
  79. To have healthy hair
  80. To not look sick and so young
  81. So I can be a normal college student
  82. To fight the stigma around mental illnesses
  83. To prove full recovery is possible
  84. To not feel the need to be perfect
  85. Because I do not want to relapse
  86. So I can trust myself to eat enough
  87. To not have to be on a meal plan
  88. Because my family shouldn’t have to deal with this
  89. To give others hope
  90. Because God has given me the strength to come this far
  91. So I can be free of my past
  92. To not be my own worst enemy
  93. To rebel against our diet culture
  94. Because being healthy is more important than being skinny (contrary to popular belief)
  95. Because girls should not be forced to look a certain way
  96. So I can wear a swim suit without hesitation
  97. To not think about calories
  98. So I can say I end(ed) my ED
  99. Because I want to help others and EnD ED

 

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