The other day I was walking back from dinner and talking to a few friends. I don’t remember exactly how we got to the topic, but we were discussing how long we wanted to live and when is a good time to die. Then somehow food got tied into it. My friend said she would rather die three years early than not be able to eat ice cream. I thought out loud and said how when I am on my death bed I don’t want to regret not eating ice cream when I was 18. Then it kind of hit me what I had just said and how true it is. When I am lying on my death bed will I have wanted to live my life afraid of food? NO. I will have wanted to truly live and experience all that I can. That includes freedom to eat delicious food with no regrets. Life is too short to constantly be at war with myself over what I am eating.
It is crazy to think about how far I have come. Even in the last couple of months since I have started college, so much has changed. I have really owned my recovery since coming to college. No one is here making me eat. I have to do it all on my own, which has been hard, but ultimately it has propelled me to be the closest to recovered I have been since my diagnosis. I am so thankful for how far I have come in my journey.
I am a constantly evolving person. I am trying to figure out my place in this world. Slowly I am gaining a deeper understanding of who I am and what I am supposed to do. I have been particularly excited recently because of a project I have been working on. I have been collaborating with a new website called Body Positivity. I have shared a very deep version of my battle with anorexia which you can find here!
Writing my article and working with the amazing people of Body Positivity has made me really hopeful for the good that I can do. I have been given this experience and it is not for nothing. I know I am supposed to share what I have been through to help others. It is what I have been doing through my blog, my Instagram, and now bodypositivity.com. I dream of doing so much more with my story as well. I often am asked as a gender studies major what do I want to do for my career. I often say I don’t know exactly, but probably non-profit or activist work. Right now, I can see myself being an activist after I finish college, advocating for women’s health and body acceptance while fighting the media’s representation of women. I want to travel the world; I don’t want to sit in an office all day. I would love to get to travel and share my story with others. The internet and writing have already been imperative to my start in the activism field. I can see myself using both of these as well in my work in the future. I definitely want to continue writing because it is how I think and explain myself the best. And the internet is an important tool for sharing my thoughts. There is so much I can see myself doing! I cannot wait to see what my future holds.
I am simultaneously happy where I am at now and happy for what is to come. I have not felt this good in years. College is great. I am learning so much. I am meeting cool people. I get to play cello. I am exploring a new place. I love it! And I can fully enjoy all of these things because an eating disorder does not rule my life. I never want it to again. I am so close to having EnDED my ED. Now on to EnDing ED on a larger scale!